Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Guess What? Bringing This Bitch Back.

OK, after many demands (4) I have decided to bring this bitch back to life. Yes, my sister is still a worthless waste of gelatinous menstrual material, so most likely it's going to be all me all the time on here. It's going to be mean and hilarious, as you've come to expect, and probably give you some sort of airborne virus that will make your dick fall off. So, enjoy!

Brian

Friday, March 30, 2012

The Walking dead Recap: Ep 13 FINALE!!

 OK! Here it is! Finally! The recap! Only 2 weeks late! Eh, you people don't read these to find out what happens anyway, so it don't matter none. Let's get to it! SHABOOOOOOSH!!!

It starts off with a flash-sideways, and we all know that if there's one thing Walking Dead writers lurve, it's a pointless flash of any kind - this one shows a mess of zombies hearing a helicopter and following it out of the city.  I guess this whole time everyone's been playing Farmville, every zombie in Atlanta has sloooooowly been following a helicopter towards the farm. NOTHING can deter these zombies from their mission, even though they must have encountered literally thousands of other noises/distractions during their miles of travel. Also, the helicopter (or aerial screw) never actually flew over the farm, did it? So they just kept walking in a straight line? Anyway.

Carl and Grimes are headed back to the farm, talkin' bout who killed Shane better, when they realize they're surrounded by 1,800 zombies, making this about the fifteenth time a horde of zombies has snuck up on this group. Did I mention that zombies stumble and moan and crash into shit all the time? Well they do.

They run into a barn and ol' Milkbag Carl runs up to the top and Grimes lures the zombies in so they can have a Zom-BBQ (ZING!). He pours gasoline all over the hay and then Carl sets that bitch ABLAZE! Way to earn that stupid hat, Carl.

CUT TO!

Everyone mounting up in cars to fight the zombie horde! And guess what? EVERYONE is a fucking master sharpshooter apparently. Andrea is riding shotgun in rickety old truck with no shocks, driving around in circles shooting zombies in the head like they were watermelons sitting on the front porch. Do you people have any idea how impossible that is? Stop reading this, go to a firing range and try to shoot a target in the head, standing still. It's really, really hard. Now try doing it while spinning around. Ok, NOW do it while jumping up and down too. RETARDED.

Shooty, shooty, everyone is driving around.

CUT TO!

Grimes and Carl at the fire-zombie rave (which is what it looks like is going on) - they trapped, ya'll!

CUT TO!

Holy shit! Hershel's mystery son is in the RV! They remembered he existed! Um...but not for long as he is quickly eaten by zombies as he pulls the RV up to the firebarn to save Grimes and Carl. Did I call this shit or what? I told you people he would return when they needed to have someone do something and then die. Done and done. Carl and Rick escape, predictably.

CUT TO!

Running, shooting, Lori can't find Carl so starts shooting zombies that are 50 meters out from the porch, also in the head, every time. Hershel is obsessed with killing zombies now that he realizes that they aren't just victims of the boogir woogie and Lori and the two blondes run off. Guess who dies? YES! The older blonde that don't matter none to nobody! Also, a zombie falls on Andrea and they think she's dead. But she isn't because they haven't cured cancer, so Andrea remains on this show.

CUT TO!

Some non-drama with Glen and Maggie almost sorta but not at all being eaten. Zombies didn't even break the damn window of their Rav 4 or whatever.

CUT TO!

Hersh going BALLS OUT on some zombies. One sneaks up on him but Rick steps up just in time to cap it in the back of the head, which HILARIOUSLY splatters zombie brains/blood all over the back of Herschel's head, making it look like the back of Samuel Jackson's car in "Pulp Fiction." Someone better call The Wolf to clean that shit up. Haha Andrea gets left behind. She won't die though. Instead she shoots more zombies in the exact, to the centimeter accurate center of their foreheads and gets away scott free with a bag of guns. Maybe they are leaving her alone because she is already dead inside.

...HOW, if it is so easy to shoot zombies and get away, did zombies take over the planet? Please? Someone? Looks like if we had 5 Andreas who had a free weekend this whole epidemic would be over.

CUT TO!

The burning barn! And then more burning barn! They should have set this to that Kings of Leon song, "Your Barn is On Fire." Daryl saves Carol, who should have died instead of poor Jimmy.  WTF, MORE scenes of the burning barn? They must have spent a shit ton of money on that scene because they are MILKING THE HELL OUT OF IT. Enough burning barn! 75 different angles, 7 minutes of barn on fire. Some director of cinematography is masturbating furiously to that right now.

CUT TO!

Daryl on the cycle driving through the zombie obstacle course. Then Maggie and Glen! In an amazing turn of events, the ASIAN tells the hysterical woman to let him drive. It's a lose-lose situation! Glen tells Maggie he's been in love with her "a long time." Umm again...how fucking long were they at the farm? They only found out Sophia was a zombie like a week ago. And for them to hold out hope she was alive she couldn't have been gone 4 months, right? Fastest "forever love" of all time.

CUT TO!

Carl being SUPER fucking annoying and bossy. "What are you doing! It's mom! We have to get her and not be safe a mile away!" CARL...you talk like a 65 year old! Also, you are so pale! It's the middle of summer! Get some sun! Also, RIP to the whole "zombies smell humans" thing. Since they just hide and zombies just walk on by. It was cute in season 1 when they smeared rotting guts on themselves to hide the scent. Remember those days when we had high hopes for this show? The halcyon days they were.

CUT TO!

Everyone meets up at the rendezvous. Herschel really does not seem to give a flying fuck that his only son is dead. Hey! They made fun of Glen for being Asian! WOOO! Everyone thinks Andrea is dead, along with "Patricia," who I guess is the elder blonde.

CUT TO!

Andrea running around the woods with man hands. She manages to kill a zombie by bashing it's head against a tree and stomping it. This is a new low for these zombies.

CUT TO!

Outta gas!

Ohh, they all gots the disease. Cat's outta the bag - when you die you get zombified. They're all mad at Rick for not telling them, which yes, they should be. Rick says it wouldn't' have mattered...a statement that is so absurdly wrong it's laughable. Then Rick stands by a pretty little waterfall.

Rick spills the beans that he killed Shane to Lori...you know, like she WANTED HIM TO...and she gives him the crazy Cunty Cuntstofferson face and now she can't stand him. Won't let Rick touch her. Bitch, WHAT? This is retarded. Every second Lori lives is a second of pain that the writers should feel in their genitals.

CUT TO!

Some crazy chick with two armless zombie sex slaves saves Andrea in the woods. Man I hope she's hot under that weird hoodie she's wearing. Watch out, girl! George Zimmerman might cap that ass! Seriously though, this new sword wielding woman had better be a hot piece of ass, because this show has NONE.

CUT TO!

The whole group is all up their own asses about Rick not telling them about being sick and debating splitting up. But they won't, even though it would make this show more interesting. Also, Rick has started to talk like Christian Bale in "Batman" - he's graveling it out. HE IS THE HERO THIS ZOMBIE WORLD DESERVES! The peeps all judge him for killing Shane, even though it's clear that Shane was nuts, aggro and lied consistently to everyone. Oh, and killed Randal in the woods via neck snap. But yeah, Rick is the bad guy, contrary to all evidence. Rick's laying down the law that he's the king of this group. "This isn't a democracy any more!" Ohh it's Zombie Game of Thrones!!

..How the fuck did T-Dawg get on that stone wall? Black dudes be jumpin.

PAN TO REVEAL...a giant complex through the woods...a prison...CLIFFHANGERRRRRR!!!

OK enough of these until the new season.

BYE!


PLEASE BE HOT.



Friday, March 23, 2012

Arborial Squirrel Hound

My dog Chloe has a passion for squirrel chasing. A couple days ago, Chloe is barking at a squirrel out the window, in a tree....the squirrel is chattering nonstop back...I let her out to fuck around and then I come outside to check on her to find this (click for larger image). 
She was about 8ft off the ground. Way to go, dogbutt. 


We ARE going to do a recap of The Walking Dead, btw. But this week has killed me and I haven't had time to do jack shit. So it'll be up soon and you dedicated readers can read it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Walking Dead Recap: Ep 12 REVISED!

It's a goddamn miracle I was even able to get this up today, and the only thing that made it possible is my horrible digestive tract. I was supposed to be at a meeting today that would have taken me through lunch (which I took at home and watched TWD for you people) but an adverse reaction to some late night Tri-Tip and Mac n' Chee destroyed my stomach and had me shitting acid and grease with a side of shooting stomach pain for the entire morning. I think I got food poisoned.

Anyway...I've been slammed like you wouldn't believe and normally would ask my co-blogger (IN NAME ONLY IT SEEMS) to pick up the slack, but she's worthless. If our parents had aborted her in the womb she still couldn't be less useful than she currently is as far as this blog is concerned. Well...on to the (very short) recap!

Oh, hello. Jenny here!  So this is the deal- I actually did MOST of a recap this week...so I will fuse our two recaps together to make one SUPERCAP!! (My additions will be in bold and/or better)

COLD OPEN!

Dale? I say you HE DEAD! However, from a viewing standpoint none of these characters really have any emotional attachment for me. They were so hollowly constructed for so long, that I can't give a shit about any of them. Dale's dead? Meh. Where'r the zombies? Oh, there they are! Shane and Daryl and T-Dog and some other people go out and perform some really solid hate crimes on zombies; I guess to feel better. Man that would be some great stress relief. And here I am, stuck beating my dog to feel better, because hookers cost too much if you want to rough them up.

What the fuck happened to Shane's face? That's a lot of black and blue, buddy. Also, T-Dog speaks for the first time in 5 episodes!


Okay, so Dale-zo is done-zo and who cares. Last time I checked, Dale's only job was turd-stirring and pretending he knows how to fix RVs. They have a eulogy for him which makes little to no sense and then decide to channel their anger via walker-bashing, over at Chèz Zombie Cow. 

Speaking of Lè Moo, 50 of them escaped! And ummm..wtf guys? Kind of your only job is to not let zombies in and not let the farm animals out. Because that is "like ringing a dinner bell." A dinner bell FOR ZOMBIES!! Cars? Motorcycles? Constant yelling? Carl the zombie-taunting-boy? A barn full of zombies? Shooting noisy guns at a barn full of zombies? Those are like farts in a hurricane, compared to cows that are now in the woods instead of next to the woods.



CUT TO!

Wait, were you wondering what happened to Randall? Or did you forget he existed, like I did. What happened is, there's more arguing about what to do with him and the name of the show gets changed to, "We Need To Talk About Randall." Since that is all they do. Grimes asks Andrea to keep an eye on him, which is a good idea because when Andrea kept lookout, she shot Daryl and when Andrea was on suicide watch the girl tried to kill herself and when Andrea guarded the barn, Carl snuck in and almost got Randall-ed, so really Andrea would not be my go-to. But not Grimes, who is all, "Shit gets in-SHANE (heh) when I leave the farm" and Andrea is all, "Then STOP LEAVIN!" and I am all, "KA-POW!" which is the sound of Andrea knocking it out of the park. Stay put, Grimes.  


Rick telling Andrea that Shane's a "good guy" but at the same time a DANGEROUS WILD MAN! Haha, basically anyway. And he want her to babysit him. ANDREA. Again. How the hell has Andrea become the person people trust to watch psychopaths/people of unease? This is the third damn time in a row! First the blonde mystery girl, then Randall and now Shane? When has Andrea ever shown ANY good judgement? What exactly has she done to deserve trust on any level other than accidentally shoot Daryl with a rifle, and be a whiny cunt about getting a gun to shoot HERSELF for all of last season? Ridiculous.

CUT TO!

Carl confessing about the gun and zombie to Shane. Man I wish Carl would R-U-N-N-O-F-T.

Then it's everyone's favorite time- Carl time. Who has a case of the Dale-killin guilts and wants to tell Shane all about it. Shane is like, "Naw, I'm good" until two seconds later when he is like"JK, unload on me Carls in Charge!" Carl says a bunch of stupid Carl things I opted to not pay attention to, which resulted in him...not wanting a gun forever again? Rrrrright. Then Faux-Pa (heh) Shane tells Real-Pa Grimes to get to parenting and Grimes says nope that is women's work and I am a man, listen to how gravelly my voice is. Bla Bla, they argue.

Which results in Grimes doing some REALLY GOOD parenting. And by good I mean telling his son that everyone he knows is going to die. Like maybe tomorrow, sooo....kill yourself, Carl.

Now onto more important matters, like who will pretend to fix the RV? Glen will! Under the supervision of Andrea making stupid faces at him the whole time of course. I am getting the feeling that Glen (like 98% of Walking Dead viewers) is over it. Maggie says put your "stuff" in my "room," but Glen rejects her lady-advances by trying to blame Herschel, but really it's because Maggie is a mondo wet blanket. 



CUT TO!

A confusing scene where Glenn doesn't stow his shit in Maggie's room. Whuh? Whynot? Yeah you Asians take your shoes off when you come into the house but there is nothing about taking off your bags and leaving them in the living room when you are boning some sweet white poontag, Glenn.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Reasons to Hate Jenny Pt 1

I have decided that my non-blog writing sister deserves some much deserved criticism, stemming from my frustrations at her non-contributions to this joint-venture. And also seeing as this blog promises sibling rivalry, and there is a serious dearth of that going on, this should begin to fill the gap. Here is part one of a multi-MULTI part series.
  1. Has big boobs that guys stare at, which is annoying to her brother
  2. Fights police / gets arrested for jumping park fences 
  3. Doesn't blog for shit
  4. Smelly vegetarian farts
  5. Once lived in an apartment with no bathroom door, only a curtain to separate vegetarian poo stink from rest of apartment 
  6. Dumb tattoo on back of arm
  7. Lives in Brooklyn, hipster capital of the known universe
  8. Not good at fighting sharks (presumably)
  9. Doesn't have cable 
  10. Too cheap to visit brother in Los Angeles
  11. Can no longer adequately drive a car from living in NYC for too long
  12. Unable to dodge hurled ice scrapers, especially with back of head
TIP OF THE ICEBERG! 


I call this shot "Jerk on Slopes."

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Walking Dead Recap: Ep 11

You guys!! Jenny was TOTALLY going to do a "Walking Dead" recap and it was sooooo adorable. But then guess what happened? She didn't! I KNOW, right!? Blew me away too. Anyway, I've been busy as a pedo at an elementary school, so didn't get to watch TWD until just now. Here's the 'cap.

COLD OPEN! 

Daryl is just going to town on that dude that they so kindly rescued, Randall. There's a bit of face punching, some body blows, a few kicks to the stomach and even some scab-stabbing with a knife! It's a bludgeoning smorgasbord! He beats it out of Randall that the kid's group is 30 strong with men, chikas and chillens. Then, for some unknown reason...Randall decides that now would be a GREAT time to tell Daryl about the time that the men were out foraging and came across a small camp. In that camp was a man and his two sexy teenage daughters, who the men took turns raping in front of their father. Randall didn't partake (likely story, Ran-DULL).

Can I ask why he would bring that up? What possible help could that be in his current situation, shackled in a barn with a redneck beating his head in? "Ohhh, so your people go around raping underage girls, but you didn't actually have any sex with them...OK, this was fun! You're free to go! Please don't tell any of your rapist friends about our farm! Toodles!"

CREDITS!

Daryl comes back to the gang, knuckles a-bleedin. How is he the official confession beater/ info finder? Wouldn't that be a cop thing? Shane? Rick? One of you want to hit that kid with a phone book?

After hearing the details, Rick wants to kill the kid but ol' crotchety moral-values McGee, Dale doesn't want to. I have to ask again, WHY did they save this kid in the first place? It made no sense then, and every episode since it has made even less sense.

Anyway, Dale wants a ZOMBIE COURT! Well, not a court made of zombies, but a court of law where Randall can be judged! He asks for a day to talk to everyone and see where the public opinion falls. Rick acquiesces but says "At sunset...whatever happens, happens." SPOILER: It gets dark after sunset. I know that already.

CUT TO!

Dale hunting around for people to support him. The first person he approaches? ANDREA! She says she wants Randall dead but Dale asks her to "guard" Randall all the same to keep him alive. REALLY? ANDREA? Because she did SO well with the girl last episode. Great track history there. Hey dingo, I know you have a penchant for stealing babies, but can you watch this one for a sec? Thanks.

Dale says "The world we know is gone but how about keeping our humanity? That's a choice." That line was delivered so woodenly and with such positive gusto that it deserved one of these afterwards.



Monday, March 5, 2012

I Will Make You Beautiful With These Top Japanese Beauty Products!

Hey you, ugly. Yeah. YOU. Wanna make that face less repulsive? Well me and my Japanese pals are going to help. Hirokuki, you ready? Tamagotchi, got yer big game pants on? THEN LET'S ROCK.

First, let's do something about that hideous Karl Malden schnoz you have going on. I feel that your nose could be...hmmm..how to put this..."upper?" Pals, do we have something for that?

Perfect! Oh, wait, nevermind. It's up now, but it's still so damn crooked. Looks like you've taken a few shots to that sucker over the years, eh? Sounds like someone needs to learn how to listen! Well, this should help straighten that out just in case you still can't figure out when dinner is supposed to be on the table.